Caroline / Toronto / 01.27.15
We need to talk. I know this is long overdue, but we need to address our relationship. I have some things I need to say right off the bat that date back to when we were very young: I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you. I’m so sorry I didn’t defend you when others put you down. I shouldn’t have let them say those harsh things about you. I shouldn’t have believed them. I’m sorry that I poked you and pulled at parts of you. It hurt. I remember. I was hoping that some of you would come off. I’m sorry for thinking that. I remember that boy I had a crush on when I was 9, when he called me fat. I remember constantly comparing you to other girls: my friends, the girls in the movies, and I hated you for not being like them. I still feel that way sometimes. Because you were the way you were, I felt that I couldn’t win over my first real crush. I blamed you. I blamed me. Even though I knew the world was wrong about me and you, and others like us. I blamed you when I wasn’t loved by men that I cared about. I even resented the best parts of you when I was disrespected, or reduced to an object simply for having those parts of you. I feel so guilty about that. But I’m working on forgiving myself. I know it wasn’t your fault. And I know better now than to listen to anyone else. Body, I want to thank you for being so stubborn. For not changing so easily, for not changing for the wrong reasons. I want to thank you for making me work so hard to accept you. I want to thank you for making me so strong. Some days, I still hate you. Yo, for real this has been one of the most difficult relationships I’ve ever had! Real shit! But… it’s been one of the most important. It’s me and you, body. I’m happy we did this. I’m happy we can go through all of this together, and I’m proud we have gained the courage to show ourselves as we are, regardless of what others will think, regardless of what people will say. Let’s rip these beauty standards to shreds, body. I’m sure some days I’ll still have my doubts about us. But I promise, I’ll never stop working on you and me. I got you.