-C- / Toronto / 11.23.15
I tried transitioning first when I was about 23 years old. I couldn't go through with it at the time. I was too inexperienced and I didn't know how to handle the hate, both from others and self inflicted. After a failed suicide attempt I decided to forget about it. I spent the next 13 years trying to live as a man. It messed really bad with my mind and my relationships. Last valentines, I finally opened up about being transgender. I posted a message on Facebook along with a picture of myself at my most masculine. I still look at that picture sometimes, but I don't see a guy anymore. I see instead a woman, terrified of being seen. Trying to keep everybody at a distance so she wouldn't get hurt, dealing with her pain in the only way she was allowed. I've been on hormone replacement therapy for 7 months which has removed most of the pain caused by gender dysphoria. I recently went to a psychiatrist because something else kept not feeling right. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It scared me terribly because I knew very little about it. It's the fear of being "one of those people". Stigma can be internalized so deep. I started dialectical behavioural therapy and I'm already seeing progress. I'm really happy I finally have answers to most of the questions I've been asking for so long. My body and mind are slowly changing, healing. I wouldn't call it an "and she lived happily ever after" ending just yet though. There are still lots of people out there suffering, because the help they need is being denied to them. When everybody else is on their way to recovery, then we can call it a true happy ending.